• hair spray •

“They say, ‘Don’t use hair spray,
it’s bad for the ozone.’
So I’m sitting in this
concealed (sic) apartment,
this concealed (sic) unit…
It’s sealed, it’s beautiful.
I don’t think anything gets out.
And I’m not supposed to be
using hair spray?”
Is it true, can it be?
That this,
coiffed kumquat,
this preening peacock,
this ham-handed,
hairdooed harlequin,
has, somehow,
been put in charge,
of the
… Presidency? Please.
Somebody ‘wake me.
~ Tim Burchfield


• bob’s tail •

This, ‘fake news’, has got to stop.
Okay, people, listen up:
It’s, “Bells on Bob’s tail ring,”
not, “Bells on Bobtail ring,”
not, “bobtails ring,”
nor, “bobbed tail ring.”
And most definitely not,
“Belson Bobtellering,”
or any other thing.

Bob is the horse.
He pulls the sleigh.
Bob has a tail.
That tail has bells on,
which is attached
to the aforementioned Bob, okay?
Those bells, Bob’s bells,
yes, those very, ‘jingle bells’:
It is they that ring.
So please, bear that in mind,
should you go, a’caroling.
~ Tim Burchfield


• re: the d •

Seldom have I seen, in a man
(especially, in one who aspires
to the highest office in the land),
such a blatant disregard
for the feelings of women
and unconscionable, universal
cultural insensitivity,
or, as my ‘kid sister’ used to say,
in her inimitable way:
“What a weenie!”
~ Tim Burchfield

• nature’s balancing act •

It occurs to me, that for our ancient ancestors, that as to deciding whether (and, best, how) to walk, ‘upright’, there came a day, when there was a ‘split decision’, in the community, and, hence, the first, ‘splinter group’, was formed. Some, seeing the example of the meerkat, thought it best to lift the head above the tall grass, so as to best see the lion’s approach (as well as the gazelle, so as best to catch and eat one), and for most, I suspect, the wisdom of the ‘heads up’, approach, must have seemed obvious. But then, for every conformist, there’s the ‘oddball’, who can’t quite feel all is well with the world, unless things are turned upside down. So, naturally, (or, unnaturally, if you will) came, ‘the hand-walkers’, on that fateful day. Yes, everywhere they went, from then on, on their hands, if they must be, ‘upright’, so as not to be like the others, “Those, ‘uptight, squares’,” they meandered, with heads down, and legs flailing.
Of course, things became a bit awkward, for the, ‘heads-up’, crew, as all they could ever see of the ‘hand-walkers’, above the tall grass, was genitalia. Not great for conversation, you might say. And, of course, that ‘hand-walking’ has certain disadvantages on the African savanna, (as you “can’t see past your own elbows,” as the saying went), was indisputable. Needless to say, the saying soon went out of fashion, as the hand-walkers soon became meals for the indigenous cats, and so forth. ((Sheesh, some people, from their uninformed opinions, no matter how you reason with them, or how you inundate them with information (that pesky divider), they simply cannot be swayed. Or, as dear Mr. Vonnegut used to say, “So it goes.”))
So much for that, you might think, and then, there are the ‘throwbacks’. Yes, from time to time, they do still crop up, those who wish to lead with their dicks.
I shouldn’t worry, though. There’s always a need to, ‘trim the herd’, and the good news is, given enough leeway, they almost always do it to themselves. Call it, ‘Nature’s balancing act’.
~ Tim Burchfield