• meat grinder •

• meat grinder •
“A meat grinder? What do we need with a meat grinder?”
“It’s not a ‘meat grinder’. It’s a ‘Gourmet Meat and Food Chopper’. It says so, right on the package, see?”
“No, blow the dust off’ it, then maybe.”
“That’s not dust. That’s wear. It’s in the original packaging.”
“Who’s that on the front? Is that Jack Kennedy?”
“No. Why on earth would Jack Kennedy, former leader of the Western World, national icon, whose picture hangs in every Irish pub in America, endorse a food processor? That’s Jack Paar, I think. Pretty sure.”
“Oh, it’s a food processor, now? You don’t just apply modern terms to ancient technology. One doesn’t do that. It’s just not done.”
“It’s not ancient, it’s classic.
“How would it be if I insisted on calling your turntable a ‘hi-fi’?”
“Fine, wait, a ‘hi-fi’?”
“Or your straight razor, a Lady Schick?”
“And that’s the same, how?”
“We don’t need it.”
“Yeah, we do, well, we might, you never know. Maybe, it would come in handy, in a post-apocalyptic scenario. No supermarkets. No refrigerator. Just fresh from the garden. Or what you can catch in the woods. That’s it.”
“The woods? You? You’re allergic.”
“I have Benadryl. A five year supply.”
“Look at the handle. What is that, a crank? Who does that?”
“Lots of people. Just, not lately.”
“I’ve never seen anybody do it.
We don’t need the means to grind Bambie up and stuff him into his own intestines. We have stores for that.”
“That’s harsh.”
“Look-it. It’s brand new. Even Mamie Eisenhower, or whoever she was, never even used it.”
“Even better. Essentially, it’s mint. Look at the precision. Look at the craftsmanship. It’s collectible. It’s classy.”
“It’s garbage.”
“Well, technically, it would be trash. To be garbage, it would have to be associated with food.”
“And God knows, it’s never been that. Get rid of it.”
“I can’t. Salvation Army doesn’t accept ‘returns’.”
“Well, it’s not going in my kitchen, mister. It goes in the basement, next to the half acre of “essential” nitrogen-packed dried foodstuffs we’ve never used.”
“You better hope we never have to. You’d better just hope, we never – I’m telling you!!”
“Yeah, yeah.”
~Tim Burchfield
1/12/16

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